


All The Things I Want To Say

by SoapDiSpencer



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Best Friends, Character Study, Childhood Friends, F/M, Falling In Love, First Love, Friends With Benefits, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Love, M/M, Romantic Friendship, Teen Angst, Unrequited, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:55:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26691013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoapDiSpencer/pseuds/SoapDiSpencer
Summary: Love is rarely forever, but Kei wishes that the ghosts of everyone he had ever loved would stop haunting him.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Tsukishima Kei, Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei, Kageyama Tobio & Tsukishima Kei, Kageyama Tobio/Tsukishima Kei, Kuroo Tetsurou & Tsukishima Kei, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Nishinoya Yuu/Tsukishima Kei, Tanaka Ryuunosuke/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 9
Kudos: 41





	All The Things I Want To Say

Kei remembered when he first began feeling like this. Middle school sucked for everyone. He knew that logically. But when he was pressed as far out of sight from the other boys trying not to let his heart race at the sight of one of his upperclassmen with their shirts off and their muscles on display. Kei hated that he cared. He didn't want to care about anyone. He clung to Yams trying desperately to push everyone else away so they didn't see the tangled mess of feelings. 

He couldn't help but focus on his long, strong legs that felt like they belonged to someone else. He couldn't help but focus on his own slim waist and compare it to his teammates. He was tall and fit, but he was still in his awkward stage of growing. Kei hated that most of all. He hated that someday he would look just like Akiteru with wide shoulders and strong biceps. Akiteru never disliked his own body. At least not where Kei could see. 

For a bit, he wondered if he was the only one who felt this erratic beat of _wrong wrong wrong_ about their bodies. He logically knew he couldn't be. He knew that Yams still had issues with his face. He knew he wasn't the only one who hated parts, but sometimes it felt like it. 

High school was a reprieve. Surrounded by couples the first year he didn't have to focus on himself. He could focus on Daichi and Suga. Suga was a soft sort of attractive that managed to take them all in even as hard as Kei fought it. Daichi was steady and reliable and built exactly like that sounded. He was strong but moderate. Asahi was strong and muscular, and Kei had to admit he woke up covered in sweat a couple of times picturing him, but never seriously. 

Then there were the second years. Noya seemed too small for his personality. He was direct and loud and supportive. He was focused and determined. Kei would never admit how much he admired Noya. He would never voice that maybe he had a small crush on the small libero for the first few months of his first year. 

Then there was Tanaka. He was confident and chaotic. He understood why Kiyoko finally gave in. He was dependable and loyal and managed to keep the teams spirit up by contact high alone. Kei found himself forming a friendship with him that apparently no one saw coming. 

Then there was his year. He never could have pictured their relationship. He never could have pictured how far they would fly. They were a powerhouse. Tobio at his side with Hinata jumping higher every day reaching for the top. Tadashi perfected his jump float serve within their last year. He was their captain and just as reliable as ever. 

His first crush was Shoyo. He didn't know where it came from. They dated briefly in their second year, but it only lasted a couple of months before they broke it off mutually. There were no hard feelings. They were still close, but it wasn't for them. Kei could still remember how cherished and adored that Hinata always made him feel. He remembered how it felt to sink into their relationship like a hug from a friend. 

He could never get through a list of his loves without Tadashi. Tadashi was his everything, and if Tadashi ever looked at him as anything more than a friend Kei would have jumped for the opportunity. Tadashi loved like a warm, comfortable afternoon. He did remember their shared nights wrapped close together. He remembered the way his freckles looked like stars on his skin as he laid in Kei's bed. They never dated, but Kei didn't know anyone who loved him quite like Tadashi. He cherished every night that Tadashi would reach out and whisper that he was beautiful. 

Then there were the complicated ones. Yachi and him easily sunk into their relationship, but it didn't stay easy or comfortable. Yachi tried to worm her way into his mind and heart looking for more of himself that he was willing to give to her. Kei always left her presence feeling dissected and raw. He had to admit that there was always going to be some tension there from when the raw feeling bubbled up into his chest and spilled out of his mouth like venom pushing her roughly away. They were never the same after that, but that was life. It wouldn't be the only love he lost in high school. 

Then there was Tobio. Sweet, funny, amazing Tobio. There were hardly words to describe the way that Tobio felt. The smooth planes of his chest pressed tight to Kei's. The strong clever hands dipping into Kei's clothes. They loved like the flame that burnt out too quickly. It kept reigniting as they pushed at pulled at each other trying to fit their pieces together. No one could have prepared him for how it felt to lose Tobio. It was mutual. Every breakup seemed to be mutual even if it broke his heart. 

There was Kuroo. Kuroo was caring words and passion. His strong chest pressed against Kei's back. His clever fingers fisted into Kei's hair. Kei could still feel the breathless way he had become intimately familiar with Kuroo's sheets. Kei wondered if he walked back into his life if the sheets would taste the same as he breathed them in with ever broken pant and drawn out moan. It wasn't ever supposed to be anything serious. It was never supposed to be love, but Kei got wrapped up in the feeling. 

  
  


Kei broke his own heart when he fell in love with them along the way. He had promised never to care too much but always failed at the execution. He had left pieces of his heart with every one of them. He wondered if they ever noticed. He wondered if they ever cherished the parts of himself he willingly gave to each of them. He goes to get lunch with Tadashi… He still has drinks with Kuroo every other week. He still video calls Shoyo every Thursday drinking in a little bit more of his warmth. He still tasted Tobio on his tongue after every ill-timed tryst of theirs that they knew damn well shouldn't happen again. He still imagined the life he would live if he had ever got the courage up to tell any of them how much he loved.

He was a coward with a lifetime of memories carved into his skin with ghosts of kisses and lingering touches. He wasn't the protagonist in his own story. He never got the happy ever after. He was always the one who was a taste test. He was the stepping stone to bigger and better things. He was a coward… and unloved. He knew that. He accepted it. They were all carrying on as he clung to ghosts. They were all reaching for the stars, and he was just the moon they had to stop to get there. He was a take-off point. He wondered what he had done wrong for everyone to leave. 

It didn't really matter. It didn't really matter that none of them had loved him. Because even if they had his skin still sung the chorus of _wrong wrong wrong_ every time he looked in the mirror. His heart still fluttered when he was yanked into their arms as if it didn't tear him apart every time. His eyes still lingered on the stars of Tadashi's skin, and the warmth of Shoyo's presence. He still breathed in the scent of Kuroo's sheets and drowned in the feeling of Tobio's skin against his own.

It didn't matter what he had done wrong. It only mattered that it left him here in a lonely apartment staring at himself in the mirror. He wiped away his tears glancing down at his phone. 

_ You coming over, sweetheart? _

_ In just a moment.  _

_ Okay (: _

He feels like trying again is a scam. He is just too weak to deny himself. He reaches out every time despite the way his broken heart pleads for him.  _ Enough enough enough.  _ He wished he could apologize to his heart. He wished he could tell it that he had tried to keep the people who left, it just never worked. He wished he could explain that if he stopped going back then life wouldn't be worth living. 

He left again. He knew he was going to be pushed aside at the end of the night and still he cleaned himself up to be used at the discretion of all the people he had given his heart to. That night when he felt Kuroo cherishing his body, but never giving a second thought to his heart… he would whisper another silent apology to his heart, but for now, he would dream that it would last. 


End file.
